April Fools

The BBC are the World leaders in making TV and I am proud to say I have worked for them. Today is All Fools Day or April Fools Day and the BBC have surpassed themselves here. Enjoy and have a wonder at the miracle of TV and the backroom boys and girls with a tad too much time on their hands.

Christmas TV

My Favourite bit on TV over Christmas that made me laugh was this bit on Harry Hill's Christmas TV Burp, I actually had tears rolling down my cheeks whilst this little bit was on. I hope you enjoy it too.

It would seem I am part of a dying breed, a Blogger, those that have blogged over the past 15 or months from a circle of friends have dropped off as they have felt it has served them for their needs, others didn't like it. Me I toyed with giving up last January but a few friends asked if I would carry on and to be honest I enjoy blogging putting up my thoughts and musings. Its My Blog, what I say goes! If you don't like tough, if you enjoy it great, if you agree with my views that OK, if you don't agree...that's OK also. A friend has just stopped blogging and I will miss her blog, she was an honest blogger and shared her grief and upsets, she also shared her thoughts and musings about life. Each Blog is personal and as a reader you are privileged to be let into someone’s life unfortunately some people don't respect.

Snowman Vs IRN-BRU

I saw this last night and nearly woke up Mrs EB with my laughter....
I hope you like it.

Whilst looking for this advert on You Tube I came across my top Christmas advert, the Coke Advert....again I hope you like it.

My Fat, Mad Teanage Diary

I am a very blessed person to know my friends and colleagues, one of my friends and former colleagues is a really talent lady called Rae Earl. Rae was a writer when I was a producer in Nottingham she left to be a presenter on Radio, first in Derby and now in Leicester with her husband Kev they do a joint breakfast show. Well my very talented friend Rae has written a book!!! and it is dues for release any day now (Tuesday 21st August) here is a review and an EXTRACT IN THE GUARDIAN from the book ... in the Guardian magazine (Saturday 4th August).

Synopsis

It's 1989 and Rae is a fat, boy-mad 17-year-old girl, living in Stamford, Lincolnshire with her mum and their deaf white cat in a council house with a mint off-green bath suite and a larder Rae can't keep away from. This is the hilarious and touching real-life diary she kept during that fateful year -with characters likeher evil friend Bethany, Bethany's besotted boyfriend, and the boys from the grammar school up the road (who have code names like Haddock and Battered Sausage). My Fat, Mad Teenage Diary" evokes a vanished time when Charles and Di are still together, the Berlin wall is up, Kylie is expected to disappear from the charts at any moment and it's GBP1 for a Snakebite and Black in the Vaults pub. My Fat, Mad Teenage Diary" will appeal to anyone who's lived through the 1980s. But it will also strike a chord with anyone who's ever been a confused, lonely teenager who clashes with their mother, takes themselves VERY seriously and has no idea how hilarious they are.

I have been blessed or not to win a copy from Rae and a bottle of Champers (which will be drunk on The Robber Button). The reason I say I may not be blessed to win is because I entered a competition with an awful photo of myself so its a sort of back handed compliment. I am just so proud of Rae for using her talent and writing this amazing book. Long evenings on my boat reading books written by my friends...just perfect.

The Simpsons

I recieved a link on my Facebook account today from music group singer Lisa S it lets you Simpsonize yourself and see what you would look like if you were lucky enough to ever get in The Simpsons

I have some more Ronnie Jokes and stuff

TOMMY COOPERISMS

This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.

I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?" I said, "No, permanent."

I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he went T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my hand."

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best Before End'

I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, ju st a watch."

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood?" I said, "Where is he then?"

I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue. I couldn't put it down.

I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.

The recruitment consultant asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?? I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

I phoned the local builders today, I said to them "Can I have a skip outside my house?" He said, "I'm not stopping you!"

I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said "I careered off the road"

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.

I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said "Eurostar" I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin."

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays."

Monday June 4th

I went to Church for about an hour or so last night, but I couldn't stay any longer as I felt to rotten. I really enjoyed listening to what Timelord had to say, but I knew my head would not take a loud music night and the worship last night would be loud. So after communion I went home.

I am having a day to sort out a few more things, I need to go to Tesco and do a big shop, I also need to pop to my parents and see if I can fine tune their new TV. I also need to send a few invoices.

On Facebook, It is very addictive!!!!! you can add favourite quotes and I have added this one at the moment. It just makes me laugh, but it is also quite profound really.

Captain Jack Sparrow: "Me I'm dishonest, and a dishonest man you can always trust to be dishonest. Honestly it's the honest ones you have to watch out for, you never can predict if they're going to do something incredibly stupid."

Some Kiddy writings that made me laugh

Children Write About the Sea

1. This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)

2. Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6)

3. If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island . If you don't have sea all round you, you are incontinent.
( Wayne age 7)

4. Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)

5. A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy age 8)

6. My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs. (Millie age 6)

7. When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they have been better off eating beans. (William age 7)

8. I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. And how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? (Helen age 6)

9. I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy age 6)

10. Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)

11. When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin age 6)

12. Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky age 8)

13. On holidays my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired right up her ass. (Julie age 7)

A few more Jokes from Ronnie

I loved the late great Tommy Cooper, his humour always left me with tears rolling down my cheeks, Ronnie sent me some Tommy Cooper Jokes this afternoon so I thought I would share them with the Blog-Crowd.

TOMMY COOPER - COMIC GENIUS

1. Two blondes walk into a building.......... you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message -

"...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Cling film for shorts.

The shrink says: "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him £50 that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.

He said: "No, the steaks are too high."

6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.

He shouted: "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"

The doctor replied:"I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

8. I went to a seafood disco last week...... and pulled a muscle.

9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.

Doc says: "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home'.

"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome''.

' Is it common? '.

"It's not unusual."

13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"

"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him". So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says: "I'm going to have to put him down."

"What? Because he's cross-eyed? "

"No, because he's really heavy"

14. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuckup my backside."

"How's that?".

"Don't you start."

15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom, boom!

16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can yougive me a lift?".

I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its Colin.

19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round."

The other one says: "So are you, you fat bast**d!"

20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

21. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."

22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm inseveral places".

The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"

23. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night

A Joke from Spain and a Joke from Walmley

A Family friend from Spain sent this today, she sends a few things a month this is one of the first that I have been able to actually post or pass on.

My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods. We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big bleedin' red mark on his forehead. Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.

This is from a mate Dave

A woman went to the doctor's office, where she was seen by a young, new doctor. After about 4 minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant. She burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room. The doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the first doctor was and demanded, " What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 59 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?" The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"

A couple of little Jokes from Ronnie

Elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, are in California. Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he buys them and wears them home, walking proudly.

He walks into the house and says to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"

Margaret looks him over, "Nope".

Frustrated, Bert storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"

Margaret looks up and says, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

"Furious, Bert yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"

"No, she replies.

Bert yells, "IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!"

Margaret replies... "Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a Hat!"

And another joke

This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade. So remember this story the next time you run into someone who knows nothing, cares less and tries to make your life miserable.

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded: "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty! You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly, and they're overpriced. So, whatcha' doing when you get there?"

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city . They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a SwissGuard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh, really! What'd he say?"

He said, "Where'd you get the flamin awful hairdo?"

April Fools Day

Today is April 1st April fools day. The day or morning of practical jokes, News papers, radio and TV stations usually go for it. I myself don’t really bother, I enjoy a joke anytime of the year. I don't take anything seriously on April 1st which can be a shame...but once bitten twice shy, and growing up in a house of 7 I was bitten more than once on April Fools Day.

2000 years ago Thomas thought it was joke that Christ had risen on the Third Day, he was the fool that day, when Christ said, put your hands in my side Thomas, feel where the nails punctured my hands...

Google April Fool 1

Google April Fool 2

GMT BST Leave it alone!!!!

The last weekend was a very busy and exhausting weekend. The rehearsal Friday then the preshow rehearsal, then the show Saturday night, then being on sound on Sunday. I know Mrs EB was very tired and she was singing at both services as well; Only to find British Summer Time started this weekend and have the Government steal an hour from my sleep, I was not well pleased this Sunday morning , well all day actually. I do wish we could settle on one time and leave it at that, a unified UK time? I don’t care which way round it is or if have to put the clocks forward or back x or xx hours; let’s just do it once and then leave the clocks alone !!!!. Grrrrr *rant over*
I was amused at people arriving at 11:15am onwards for the morning service and again at 7:15 for the evening service!!!!

What a top evening

Songs from the shows!!! what a fantastic evening. All of the acts were amazing, though I have to say Aaron's Johnny Cash was tops, Megan and Shelagh's Cosette and Madam Thenardier from Les Miss's Castle in the Clouds and Amy's Winner Takes it all, were the best in show for me. Well that is apart from Ed's ventriloquist act with a stuffed yellow duck in a plastic box which reduced me to tears and a near asthma attack. Ask him next time you see him if he's in a gox?

All of the acts were excellent and the people I spoke to yesterday after the show were raving about how amazing and talented our church is, I had to agree. But the biggest praise has to go to Amy, she held the show together on Piano.

A small happy memory

I looked out of the window when I woke up this morning, it was a beautiful, bright, sunny, spring day. I was remined of the Church weekend a couple of years ago. On the Saturday afternoon our challet became a stopping off place, I think it was because we had plenty of cold beers.

Anyway, I thought of the laughs Matt, Chris and Myself had sat in the sun drinking and just chewing the fat. I do remember Matt asking Chris just how did he find his way to Wales without getting lost....He said he may have taken one or two wrong turns and burst out laughing... I can still hear that laugh ringing in my ears.

Another Ronnie joke

Here is another Joke off my Dad, it made me chuckle so I thought I would share it you all.

Marriage Counseling, Southern Style

Earl and Bubba, two good ole boys from Dixie are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, chewing and drinking beer when suddenly Bubba says, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoke to me in over 2 months."

Earl spits, sips his beer and says, "You better think it over - women like that are hard to find."

A new resident at Buck House?

I wonder who is staying at Buck House? press play and listen to the tune...They are not the guards you are looking for...

Irony or lazyness

I was in the Bishop the other week and took this photo, I thought Timelord would enjoy the irony.

I do enjoy a beer in there and the price of the ale is very cheap, the food is cheap, but tastes very processed and plastic and it's shame they don't have good bar staff really.

Its a Canny Version

Y I this version of Windaz is for the Gordies oot there

Again Click on the picture

Winders

Hot on the heals of a certain Mishkid, there is another New Version of Winows. It is called "WINDERS" this is for Black Country People and those that know how to speak propper.

click on picture to see a full version