A little Joke

From the master of mirth Ronnie, my dad, I recieved this in an email today it made me titter.

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles ontheir faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them his results after the examination.

"First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure whilst making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector", says the Coroner.

"Second body: "Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."

The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?" "Ah," says the coroner,"this is the most unusual one. Paddy from Belfast, 30, struck by lightning." "Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector. "Thought he was having his picture taken."

Sunday..Just what is the matter?

Well yesterday was a Sunday and I was on sound...something I really enjoy doing and it is a way I give to God. I hated yesterday!!! I went early to set up my Mini-disk player for some SFX for Pixie who was leading the morning service. (A fantastic job she did as well). At the start of the service Rev D did the notices... then into a Prayer, just as Rev D started the prayer the batteries went on my MD player, so the programming was lost and it fired off the first SFX!!! the got it wrong (uhhhurrrrr) from Family Fortunes. I managed to drop all the sound in less than a second, but not before I heard titters and Yankee Doodle's Boss came to see what had happened, with a good effort for the sfx in a prayer. I was then trying to re-sort all the desk and MD player and missed putting up Amy's and Mrs EB's mic's for a song during the offering even after both of them begged me not to do that, I felt so awful for letting them down.

Then as Pixie was leading all of a sudden the desk shorted (an on going problem) and her radio mic started to scream!!!! I was shaking and really upset by the end of the service, and that was only the morning service!!

In the evening after a hearty lunch and a glass or two of the red and a good snooze as Amy and Mrs EB watched the Muppets I felt readyish for the evenings onslaught. (Mrs EB was leading and I really hate anything going wrong when Mrs EB is leading) I double checked everything as we did the rehearsal, what could wrong? Well it was something not even I could have thought of, a CD decides to start where it wants halfway through a verse? I had queued at the start of track 6, it has always played where it is queued from, so why should it do anything different? Stupid me. Then Curly did the taping and the CD of the Sermon wouldn't finalize?

I have never been so glad to get to the Bishop on a Sunday, which again was a really nice time, a pleasant crowd and a good beer, the perfect way to finish off a weekend.

Ohhh weeeee roll on next Sunday I am doing the sound again!!!

A Sailors life for me?

At the age of 16 in January 1981 (yeah, yeah, yeah I know you weren’t born then ) I set off to HMS Rayleigh in Torpoint, Cornwall. I had Joined the Royal Navy…I passed out 6 weeks later an Official Junior Cook RN, I went to HMS Pembroke in Chatham, Kent. 6 Weeks later I was in Sutton Coldfield, I wasn’t cut out for a life on the ocean waves. I was home sick and totally miserable. But I gave it a shot. 6 weeks after I left the Navy war was declared against Argentina over the Falklands..I was then a full Royal Navy Reserve and could be called up at no notice…I am so glad they didn’t need a Junior Cook that badly.

Yes I am in that lot

Some Quotes that have made me laugh

Opera, just what is needed more Fat women screaming Frank Barone (Everybody loves Raymond)

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam: I looked into the soul of another boy. Woody Allen

My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the the fire brigade. Harry Hill

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend. Emo Philips

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me. Emo Philips

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper. Emo Philips

What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? Beer nuts are $1.50 and deer nuts are under a buck. Anonymous

Lisa, Vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and eskimos. Homer Simpson

Grrr customers and cats

I had a job come in from London C Yesterday…it was one of those nightmare jobs that has to be cleared by committee, sweet joy. I did the job as per the script, sent it off, 30 mins later get a phone call, can I just change….of course, then they want the way something is said changed, so I rerecord a line, no worries. Then they want the ending completely different? The problem with committee’s deciding is everyone feels they have to add something or why are they there? Now I will do anything I am being paid to make an advert, I enjoy doing my job, I just get a frustrated when I have to change something because some person on a committee feels the need to say something to make themselves feel important. In the end what only took me an hour to make actually took up a whole day and some of this morning, and I still don’t know if the advert has been cleared?

Well I have heard that I need to re-record the advert today because there has been a change on the committee today and the new committee or someone new wants something different? It is now 12:15pm but no script has arrived here? Oh well I am sure it will be just fine and the Voice Overs will be available and I will have enough time to finsih the job before it is due on air.

Well I have completely re-recorded the advert and re-mixed it and sent it off, after I got a phone call chasing it up!!!! LOL such fun I have have. I still have no idea if the advert is cleared though, I guess I am the last to know.

STOP PRESSS at 17:22 the notice came that the advert has cleared!!

Oh dear that was another rant sorry .....

On a lighter note

I was woken in the night by a very cold cat wanting a warm arm to lie on, it went something like this:-

A cold wet nose rubbed on my cheek and woke me, I heard a loud purring and Angus chirp, he doesn’t meow much but does make some amazing noises. I then get a paw on my cheek, so I raise my arm out of the bed he purrs so loudly I though the neighbours would hear him, I put my arm on the duvet and Angus goes over to it and lies down and goes to sleep within 10 seconds, me I am left wide awake for a good hour!!!

Recording and TV Programmes

Being in sound is quite possibly the best job in the world. I love tweaking and messing and hopefully solving problems and making things sound even better. I get some challenges that have stretched me to the end of my knowledge and I have asked for help in learning how to achieve something, that is good, it means I am still learning. I have the most amazing studio it’s based around Digidesign’s Pro Tools 7.1, which is the best software on the market and is used in about 99% of the worlds top recording Studio’s and Film and TV studio post production suites. So why do programmes like Spooks and the such like show the impossible?

Here’s a common scene, someone has recorded a telephone call onto a cassette or whatever media they recorded it onto, and they “Go to the Lab” a boffin in a white coat? Tweaks it for 30 seconds, then the PC or Detective will go can we just hear just the background noise, I think it’s a bloke with a limp walking past whistling something? And hey presto from a mixed piece of audio we now have a multi tracked piece of audio all recorded separately sounding as clear as anything?
Now when I record music and I record all the individual elements; I can then “Solo” one instrument (listen to just that item) If I buy a CD of music I can’t do that, even in my studio, I don’t have the component parts, it’s a finished mixed track, if I record a Telephone call, (illegal by the way without full permission from both parties or without a home office warrant) it is a mixed piece of audio even with the greatest knowledge in the world and the best equipment what they show on TV cannot be done, you cannot remove 1 frequency without removing everything else that is actually on that frequency, In the same way you cannot remove the eggs and flour from a baked cake, so to have just the bloke walking and whistling you would have to have recorded it separately!!!!! I am not saying I know everything about recording and how to do everything, but I do know what is actually possible to achive in the real world.

So stop messing with my head Grrrrrrrrrrrr

RANT OVER

Some favourite pastimes:-

1. Eating Out
2. Going out for the day with Sheley
3. Going to the Theatre
4. Going for a beer
5. Having a BBQ

Again in no particular order I am game for any of them at anytime.

The Deadliest Catch

I have been watching a programme on The Discovery Channel called the Deadliest Catch. It is amazing! it is true life on the edge stuff. These guys go out to Bearing Sea and Catch Crab, sounds easy doesn’t it? Mmmmm It is one of the deadliest jobs in the world! I had never even thought how crab gets in my sarnies really. Well these guys put to Sea in the Winter in enormous seas with swell of upto 15 metres with Ice growing faster on the boats than they can smash off. If they fall into the sea they have less than 2 minutes to be saved, which in all probability won’t happen…. Even the boats get swamped and sunk. These are very hard men with rules of their own. I have been riveted watching this series, I cannot think of a Job I would like do less than what these brave men do, but the pay can be fantastic, for a little over 4 weeks work one boat earned $600,000 and each member of the crew earned $45,000. To me it wouldn’t be worth it, but they are always looking for new crew members to replace to the ones who fall overboard.

Mmm The Perfect Christmas Present

Every year my Parents get Shelagh and I the perfect Christmas present, it is from Donald Russell, it is a meat Hamper Mmmmmmm meat. This year we have just received this years hamper it is two prime cuts of Venison...yes Venison some Wild Scotish Deer for Christmas. 2 amazing cuts a Fillet and a French cut rib joint. (I don't think Heidi will want any)

Angus helping when the hamper arrives

I am Still helping I am

Angus really wanted to get inside the hamper so I had to remove him

2 Amazing Joints

An old Joke for Tuesday

In July my Dad sent me this Joke; I passed it on to a few people Matt and Chris both loved it, so I thought I would share it with you wonderful people who read my Blog.

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM. The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager’s door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule. The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo’s all over the factory floor and they’re really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo’s. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, Wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo’s legs. The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena.

“I’m sorry,” he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, “but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday…”

“Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.”

Scenes from yester year

I have already posted some pictures of me as a youngster(click that link to take you to that earlier post) Well here is one of when I am about 3½ that will make my younger brother Peter about 2½ and my older brother Richard about 7. We are at Rachams Christmas Grotto in Birmingham in about 1968 visiting the "real" Father Christmas. I had just learned to wink. I remember being scared to death sitting on his knee, my head was always itching in that balaclava as well, my Nan used to knit us things like that all the time. I am sure it was a form torture that she inflicted on us because she wanted Granddaughters, if only she could have seen me yesterday in Church.

Sunday was slightly unusual

I went to church nervous. I had to set up and make a piece of equipment work that I don’t know, a telebalnce unit(it makes phone calls work through a sound desk)and I also had to do some acting.

Now the telebalnce unit was being a pain when I went early, it wouldn’t work, I had tested it Friday, but Sunday morning no joy. I prayed over it changed the fuse and it worked. It then turned off again!!!!! I changed the extension lead and it worked fine. Aimee was a star interviewing the Mission Kids and partners and that part of the service was excellent.

The other bit well. I don’t do "on the platform" at church. I stay behind the desk and do the sound and technical stuff. That is my gifting. So during the week my "Friend" Ed asked me if I would help out I said yes!!!
He asked if I would make him some pre-recorded news items..no problem. Then a script arrives… I am playing Davina to Ed’s Edwina. So from not doing stuff upfront I am now playing a transvestite. Ho hummmmm no wonder I am scared!!! I think it went down well I wouldn’t say I enjoyed doing it, but I did have some fun. I did get a few comments all good, and one offer of a date.

I have pinched this off Aimee's blog.

After the service we went to The Vesey for a chat and drink, it was a really nice group last night, the time passed very quickly. It was really good to see Julia there my little Pixie friend. I may or may not post some more photo’s of Ju, she has also promised/threatend to start a blog Who knows I will look forward to reading it seeing the photo’s that appear on it.

Again it is Monday I have no plans for the working week I am all Gods.

Friday was slightly unusual; I had to pop up to Church to get a costume for Sunday Mmmmmm thanks Ed(wina) ....and no I won't wear what you picked out at the end.
I then had a call off the lovely Heidi to say she would like to pick me up!!!! Woooohooooo she drove me to Essen and then to hers, I changed some light bulbs and took up a threshold gripper rod. I then had to pop back to Church via Soundlogic to pick up a telebalance unit (it lets you put telephone calls through a mixing desk)..I got good old Taxi Heidi to take me and then home again as I needed some connectors from my studio. I then drove back to church and set it all up and tested it.
Shelagh went out to see Casino Royale last night I had a quiet night in with a few chocolates and my laptop.

Today we went into Birmingham along with everyone else in the world it felt like, we even bumped into Karen, Ed(wina), Shazney and Jonah (mmm thanks for the Donuts) we got a free Johnny Walker which was nice. The shops where just so full it was urghhh, anyhooo a nice quiet evening in with a coal fire a DVD and some nice snackz and then Church in the morning.

Whats in a Name?

Both of these where on the Skynews website today...

A James Bond fanatic has changed his name by deed poll to match his hero's - and used the title of all 21 films as his middle names.

David Fearn is now known as James Dr No From Russia With Love Goldfinger Thunderball You Only Live Twice On Her Majesty's Secret Service Diamonds Are Forever Live And Let Die The Man With The Golden Gun The Spy Who Loved Me Moonraker For Your Eyes Only Octopussy A View To A Kill The Living Daylights Licence To Kill Golden Eye Tomorrow Never Dies The World Is Not Enough Die Another Day Casino Royale Bond

.
The 23-year-old council worker told The Daily Mirror he wanted to prove he was one of the world's biggest Bond fans.

"I can't wait for the first time somebody asks what my name is," he said

"This story just gets better and better, the plonker is from Birmingham...."

Article 2

A new generation of superheroes is on its way to save the world - thanks to mums and dads who are film fanatics. Records have shown two boys born in recent years have been named Superman. And six youngsters now answer to the name of Gandalf, after the wizard in The Lord Of The Rings. Other proud parents, presumably inspired by the silky football of Thierry Henry, have called their children Arsenal. Keira Knightley: Popular. Three families have named sons David Beckham - and 29 have named theirs Gazza. Golf-mad dads have apparently had their say too, with nearly 2,000 children named Tiger, according to the research of birth certificates since 1984 by family history website findmypast.com. Rap stars Dr Dre, Tupac, Jay-Z and even Snoop Dogg have had children named after them. More predictably there have also been more than 6,000 Kieras - reflecting the rise of actress Kiera Knightley. Kylie is still a more popular name for girls, however, with more than 7,000 born in the past 22 years.

My Dad has a name the these sort of people and if you ask me nicley I may just tell you.

Yesterday was a mixed bag.

I had a little trip out with my video camera and Cath and Georgie, that was a really interesting time, seeing somewhere you know, but looking at it from a completely different point of view. We also visited the venue for the Christmas cabaret to see what sound and lighting they have. It really is a wonderful hall and hopefully it will be a fantastic evening of fun and frolics.

Afterwards I came home and a Job was waiting for me from London, which was excellent news, it also meant I could kill 2 birds with one stone!!!! Ed has written a sketch for Sundays service which needs a News reader sort of thing in it 3 times so I got the VO who was doing my advert to read it for me a favour. He really did a fantastic job it sounds very real. I have a small part to play on Sunday, but I am not saying what it is, if you don’t come along you will never know, and you will miss out.

Then it was a Church meeting, a very interesting meeting about the building project. I also recieved some photo's on my phone from a Reindeer at a Cliff concert, I hope he does a blog about it.

I had one of those trips to the NEC yesterday…it was for a trade show for my job. Yes I do work sometimes. It was called SBES (sound broadcast equipment show I think) I set off about 10 am as it opened and got there for 10:30ish. Parking was £7 !!!! what a laugh they are having at my expense. The show was OK a little smaller every year I think, I bumped into a few old friends and had a chat. I even bagged a bargain, well it was to me I don’t think anyone else would want it (a BBC SFX CD collection)

Then onto Mrs Freelancenerds…yes for the delivery of the two sofas that she was in no way having as they are leather!!! They look fantastic in her living room. Mr Freelancenerd had moved the amp and speakers into the back room earlier in the year for his laptop and Mrs FN wasn’t too sure how to rewire it all back up…I guess if I couldn’t do it there would be a few big smacks.

I watched Torchwood last night ….this is a cracking show…full of SFX good scripts and dark humour with an adult theme, well done BBC I say.

A few of my top Albums

1. Tubular Bells - Mike Oldfield
2. Bat Out of Hell - Meatloaf
3. SGT Peppers Lonely Heart Club Band - The Beatles
4. Pet Sounds - Beach Boys
5. Simon and Garfunkel Live at Central Park
6. Devotion / Adoration The Newsboys
7. Live at Leeds – The Who
8. Graceland - Paul Simon
9. In my life – George Martin

To choose a top 10 albums is far to hard as I love music and my tastes change with my mood these are just albums that get played a heck of a lot here on my IPod.

I have just read the latest post on Heidi's Blog and sat here in tears. I miss Matt and Chris so much. but it can't measure to how much Heidi must miss Matt or Steve Viv and Alan. In the weeks before Matt and Chris's accident I spoke to Matt a few times, not as much as usual as Matt was very busy with finishing off a couple projects. I only managed to speak to Chris a couple of times as well, my last convosation with Chris was about the service he had taken and I had made him a DVD he used for Allsorts (one of the small groups he started and had a massive heart for) and I also did the sound at that service. As usual he abused me and I abused him, he even mocked himself during that service about "What is normal" the daft bunny. Matt and I talked about some work he hoped he would get (in fact he would have got it) and how he would like to join the sound team recording the services. Matt had sat in one week when no one turned up and I had shown him what to do, he had really enjoyed it, then a few weeks later he sat in again but just as the service started the person turned up. Matt looked a little dissapointed. So we chatted and he was thinking of joining the team, this all happened a few just days before the accident. I flew out to Malta on the Thursday before and when I landed I had recieved a txt off Matt to ask for Prayer for the next day for the interview in Milton Keynes. I said a quick prayer then and there in the airport and txt'd back saying no worries and I would Pray. The last txt I got off Matt was to say the interview had gone really well and he was happy and everything was in God's hands. I have saved that txt on my phone and look at it often.

Alan and I do the sound together, and have a laugh, sometimes a little to loudly but it is hard not to laugh, when Mr Turnaround turns around for the 142nd time during the service (yes we did actually count during one service), OK sometimes we do force a cough to see if we can make him turn.... Or Baratone Boy sings so loudly we can't hear the mix properly. You do notice these things sat at the back in our raised sound booth though when we play spin on the chair it is all our own fault when we laugh to loudly.

This has to be one of the funniest things ever

Right click and save tartget to your PC Funny Audio

This is from a Radio 2 NEWS Broadcast

It's all your fault, again

Mmmm I get the blame for everything!!!

Yesterday Mrs Freelancenerd and I went sofa shopping. Actually Mrs FN went sofa shopping I was her chauffer. We went to a large independant local shop in Erdington and Mrs FN found a wonderful sofa. Now I am not one moan or say anything out of turn….but…on entering the said shop, Mrs Freelancenerd proclaims “I am looking for two sofa’s…Mrs Teapot has seen one in here and said I need to look at it”, we did, it was very nice, comfy and did the job it is supposed to do. OK I thought job done. Pahhhh things are never that easy are they? "Lets have a look around" Mrs FN said. Cool, no probs. We looked around I saw a nice leather sofa, we sat in it, I don’t want leather Mrs FN says..we get up and look around some more, Mrs FN finds the most comfy leather sofa ever.... we sit and my eyes start to droop, Mrs FN said “I really like this, it’s all your fault EB!!! I don’t want leather, but this is perfect”!!! Now being a married bloke I am used to being blamed for most things in life, but for making a sofa too comfy that is a first.

Top Foods (main course)

1. Balti (anysort) with Chilli and Garlic Nann

2. Chinese Curry and Fried Rice

3. Fajitas

4. "Blue" Fillet Steak

5. Rare Roast Lamb, mashed spuds peas and mint sauce

6. Rare Roast Peppered Beef, roasties, mashed spuds, yorkshire puds and peas

7. Lobster Thermidor

8. Fish and Chips from the chippy by the seaside

9. Dominoes Pizza (meaty one with chillies)

10. A Donner Kebab with loads of chillie sauce

Again in no preference or order it all depends on the mood I am in

Yesterday was one of those days !!!

I am having problems with my stomach and have been for many years, it decided on Friday to start playing up, but I carried on just making the odd pit stop along the way of the day. Saturday it was being a pain, but I lasted until we returned from Gloucester. Yesterday ( Saturday night Sunday morning) I was woken by cramps at various times throughout the night. I managed Church, enjoyed the sermons, Donald was amazing again. The evening spoke to me in a few ways, maybe more about that later?

We popped to the Bishop and had a wonderful time , it was a big turnout and they always make for a good laugh, though by the time we left I was in a bit of pain. We stopped off for some food, a Chinese to share. I know Chinese isn’t the best for a bad stomach…I don’t care, the food in the Bishop is at best reheated cardboard…

so I had Chinese. Unfortunately I didn’t really get much sleep as the cramps and pains thought they would talk to me through the night, this is when Cats come into their own, I got up to pay a visit at around 2am, both cats where asleep on the bed. Purring and snoring away, I get up and then comeback, cats have vanished? I get into bed, stick on some headphones listen to a bit of Sci-Fi on BBC7 Bammm Bammmm two cats land on my upset stomach from off the floor. Both meowing, purring and wanting fuss I am holding back the tears of pain as they are now trying to walk over Mrs EB and wake her. I get them off Mrs EB and near or on me and settled down and sleeping and yes I am up again…It was like a perpetual cycle last night, no wonder cats sleep all day.

Anyhooo that was yesterday, ….Today is a new day and the start of a new working week.

I have nothing in or planned for the week, so God I am all yours.

What do Reindeer Drink?

Well my beer for a start!!! and just work out who's hand is helping Robbie? Yes Mrs Freelancenerd