Top Quote

Mrs English Blogger and I were out in "Town" (yes Heidi that's Birmingham) and we had a wonderful meal out and on the menu was this top quote:-

"Eating is a need. Knowing how to eat is an art."

François La Rochefoucauld

One day at a time

The saying “Life carries on” has been said to me, and at the moment, it seems to be carrying on around me. It feels like I am in one of those arty films Ed, Chris and Matt used to go and watch. I am standing in a crowd and everyone is moving around me.

Every day I try to do the things that need doing, load the dishwasher, make the bed, Cook the tea, I even did some work yesterday for the London Company that uses my talents… and to all intents and purposes life is carrying on; but it feels different.

If you are not a Christian who belongs to a loving and caring Church, I just don’t think you can understand the loss of two Brothers, but it is more than that, I know they are in Glory so I should be happy, and I am for them. It is the loss they have left in my life and the lives of their families.

Both Matt and Chris played a valuable part of my life and they also were part of the cogs that drove our church; Chris at his 90mph being involved in many, many facets from pastoral care, to Allsorts, from being on the phone to a member in need (just how can someone put a phone down that quickly?) to a caring shoulder to cry on, to leading Worship etc. Matt was a house group leader, prayer partner and was behind Heidi 100% Matt was involved in many things at church and was at prayer meetings I knew little of. As a Church we will carry on, as individuals we will carry on, we need to, there are many things that need to get done, I have commitments within Church and I need to do them, and I will.

Being a sound engineer, and a techy I get involved in a few things within Church, I have been on sound at many Thanksgiving services. None have been as full or as amazing as Matt’s and Chris’s services, that is because they were so loved and meant so much to our Church. The love shown at these services will stay with me. I have just edited the video for Matt’s service and it is wonderful to hear the singing what a glorious testimony and a wonderful way to show people that Christians Love God and that Matt and Chris are In Glory.

It is that I have a broken heart at the moment and it is hard to do all the normal things and carry on, but I will in my own way use this experience; I pray it makes me a better person for God and someone who cares a little more for others.

PS

If anyone else says "Time heals," they may need a bit of that time to heal themselves!!!!

So what do I do next?

Matt and I had a similar philosophy about earning Money, there are more important things in life, Family, friends, God and being able to help people. Since my health has been bad, a few years now, I have not really earned a great deal of money. I do care about money and I enjoy the benefits it brings, but I love being on hand to help out at Church, I love being able to help friends with problems and I love being on hand to be with Heidi and The Sellers family to help her in any way I can.

When I returned from being with Heidi and Viv at lunch and then with Heidi at Tesco’s yesterday (Heidi and I ended up with some free working Handcuffs each!!!, I think that is for Heidi's blog though) Viv gave me a big hug and said something that planted a small seed. I was putting my shopping away and preparing dinner I had a small time with God, and I am beginning to think to think I need to reassess my working life and what I want out of my life. It is getting to a point where I really need to do something as I do need to earn a living, I love my job I know I am very good at it, I honestly believe that God actually gave me all of my technical gifts, but I don’t think it is working as a company, as I cannot live on what I have earned since I have set it up. I have had a few really good months and I have actually earned a wage that is OK, but I cannot sustain the momentum and keep the work coming in, I know Matt believed in my company and he even spent some precious time on my website and he thought I just needed to market myself right, and maybe that is right. I honestly think I have marketed myself to the best of my ability though, and my resources won’t allow me to use a marketing company, and that would take away from it being the small company that I want to get across.

My only concern is my health, today I am feeling totally drained my headaches are just about bearable and my stomach is not playing up to bad at the moment, but at anytime it can just go bobbins and a migraine can hit whenever it feels it. So I do not feel very reliable. Oh I am so confused, I love being able to be free to be involved with Church and do the things like I have been doing, but I also need to earn a wage? I just don’t know the answer, I really want to do more things for God this recent tragedy has shown me that, and I know God will provide, but how, what, where and what form?

Donald said at Matt's Thanksgiving Service,(paraphrasing) it's what you leave behind; not the money, the position in a company, but the impact you can have on people lives, the love of Jesus "the legacy" and Matt and Chris truly did that and I want to do that.

I believe my mind is starting to clear now and the questions are starting to form…

Monday a new week, I just feel like it's a Friday?

John 12:24 (The Message)

24"Listen carefully: Unless a grain of wheat is buried in the ground, dead to the world, it is never any more than a grain of wheat. But if it is buried, it sprouts and reproduces itself many times over".

This verse have been mentioned many times over the past few weeks; I have found it very encouraging and prophetic .

We had a thanksgiving service for Chris at Sutton on Saturday and it was beautiful and so well attended, and Sunday was a reflective and amazing day at church, but I do have to say I am so drained and tired. I was on sound both Saturday and Sunday and by Sunday evening I was not in a place in my head to receive a whole lot out of the service. Then the Bulgaria Mission team got up and spoke, 7 young members of our Church. It was humbling and made me think and LISTEN!!!! It was excellent hearing 15-17 years on fire and full of The Spirit and raring to go, and as Mrs EB said they speak from the heart not the brain so it sounds fantastic and genuine.

My emotions have been out for all to see and in full use for two weeks now, and I just don’t think I have the energy for anything else. I think these last few weeks have taught me an amazing amount about myself and others I love and care about, it has rocked my faith to the core, and built some of it back up, a little stronger, though I think I do need to talk a few through things. Only natural I guess, as I will grow and a be a stronger and hopefully a wiser Christian. I can’t ask yet as I don’t know the questions and the people I would have asked are in Glory…irony…excellent….just what I need as I write my thoughts.
I do have someone I can talk too, a very good friend and wise Man of God, Ian who has been there for me a few years ago when I needed someone a few times a week to talk through a whole mess I had got myself into, and Via Chris; Ian and his wife where there for me. Ian has offered his time to me again, I was very touched and grateful. I just need to let my brain start working again and get those questions sorted.

Today I am starting back at work, slowly at first as I am taking the afternoon off to take Heidi out to meet her Dad, and I think I need to do a big shop also I don’t have any work in yet. I also have lost a sense of time and days of the week, I have been so busy and doing so much rushing around and spending so much time in Church everyday has sort of melted into one big day and has sort of felt like a Sunday and time has meant nothing really. So I need to get my brain back into BST and Monday to Friday.

Aurvoir my good friend Matt

Matthew Milford Sellers

Yesterday we said farewell to my wonderful friend Matt, boy do I miss "Matthew Milford Sellers", most days for the past 18 or so months I have chatted with Matt it feels lonely in my Studio without him chatting away on MSN.
The services were beautiful and very emotional; I loved what Donald said in Matt’s eulogy it was just amazing and I don’t think anyone in the world could have done a better job. It was summed up well by the use of Nicole Nordman's beautiful track "Legacy", if you don't know the song I will put the chorus here.

I want to leave a legacy How will they remember me?

Did I choose to love?

Did I point to You enough To make a mark on things?

I want to leave an offering

A child of mercy and grace who blessed your name unapologetically

And leave that kind of legacy

Reuben said some amazing things about Matt from a best friends point of view and that was very moving and a real joy to hear.

I know Matt would be totally gobsmacked at how loved and respected he was, well he was a humble guy, out to just do his thing with God and Heidi. But all I can say is anyone who can fill SCBC like he did for a Thanksgiving Service deserves a very large Magno. (Magno is a Spanish Brandy we enjoy(ed) together)

Enjoy the Party Matt, and please behave with Chris, I miss you both so much.
Until we meet again to Praise the Lord in Glory, oh yeah and to have a laugh and joke.

So today I have decided to just take it easy, literally do nothing. I am emotionally drained I am just completely run down. I woke up this morning and I haven’t felt like this for a long time. I have suffered with Chronic Fatigue for a few years and today I feel as bad as I have ever felt. Tomorrow is going to be a tough day and I just need to prepare myself for it, I have been praying about it and I know God will be there. Tuesday was a tough day and Tomorrow will be even harder I really just cannot get my head round all of this for some reason I just know tomorrow will be a watershed.

Here is a picture taken whilst flying back from Malta, it is a sunset above the clouds, I have found this quite peaceful and moving.

I am Praying that Heidi, Stephen, Viv and Alan will be able to get through tomorrow that they will feel covered by the love of God and they will feel blessed with the strength and love of The Holy Spirit.

Help or not help?

I live what most in the World would call a blessed life, I have more than enough to eat, a nice roof over my head a car and nice things about me. I enjoy the security that I won’t be hunted be hunted down and killed for my Religious or Political Views I have the free right to express my views where ever and whenever I want. You should have seen me shout at God on Malta on the Sea shore over looking St Paul’s bay last Wednesday!!! (I think I’m lucky not to be locked up for being insane by the looks of some people)
In today’s world of have and have not’s it is only right to help those who have nothing or live in fear of their lives, if someone actually knocked on your front today with total fear on their face and blood on them and said they needed help would you really slam that door in their face? Or would you let them in, sit them down, phone the police and help them? Well read Tales of a Timelord’s blog from lastnight.

Time to to say how I feel

I have been trying for a few days now to write how I feel about the past 10 days or so. I know that is sort of therapeutic to write down my feelings and cathartic as well. I guess that not too many people read my blog so it won’t change the world and those that read it know me anyway and I guess they will know how I feel as they will probably feel pretty much the same as well.

Anyhooo here goes:-

I have to be honest and say in some ways it just doesn’t feel real, and in other ways it feels far too real. To actually feel the grief of losing two close friends is far too much to stand most of the time, so my brain sort of says “It’s ok all this didn’t really happen” then I get a wave of feeling fine. Then I remember something Matt/Chris may have said to me and I then feel, well awful again so my brain throws in a daft thing Matt/Chris said or did, I feel sad but OK…you get the picture? It hasn’t hit home yet I guess and that’s the way I feel. Up one second, down the next then sort of OK.

I have had a true epiphany come out of this tragedy, and that is I have actually seen how grief can be used to show love and be a witness for God. Matt’s family have opened my eyes to see how this can happen; in what must be the worst time of their lives they have opened up their house and hearts so that they are sharing this time with others who knew and loved Matt and Chris.
I have had the privilege of going around to their house on a few occasions and all I have ever been shown is love and warmth. I want to go round and comfort Heidi, Steve, Viv and Alan and I end up being comforted? It doesn’t seem quite fair really does it? You walk through the front door and God is in their house big time. You can sense and feel God there and at work and it is just awesome.
My heart and Prayers are for the Sellers Family as they are with Chris’s family and friends especially Lois and Carol. I have a big open heart for Heidi though, God has put her on my Burden list at number 1 and I cannot and will not argue with that, I cannot understand the loss that Heidi has had, and I know that for me to understand that sort of loss I would need to have it. I pray I never do. I just know that until I am not needed anymore I will do my best to be there for Heidi as long I don’t get in her way or annoy her too much…

Tuesday - Farewell for now Chris

Revd. C J Rankin

Yesterday we said farewell to Chris. I had the privallge of sharing this day with 4 very special people in Chris’s life from our Church, these for are of course my friends as well Stephen, Heidi, Karen and Ed. I won’t go into the details of yesterday, because it was a very emotinal day and I am still too raw.
I will say that what was said at the Thanksgiving Service was a good reflection of “Revd. Christopher John Rankin” a Man of God on a Mission. Chris was a true friend to many and very much loved, he will be missed by those who he touched.

I have learned from this awful tradgedy that I want to spend more time with Mrs Englsih Blogger and my Friends and a little less time infront of the TV and my PC's. I also want to be more on fire for God and use my talents a little more for God, how I can do that I am not sure just yet?

Matt and Chris, my friends, thank you

Two friends

I have been home for a few days now, and I still feel pretty much the same as I did in Malta; though being back is so much better. I have spent many hours at Church being with people who love me and cared about and Loved Chris and Matt. I have spent some time with Steve, Viv, Al and Heidi. This was just love and love again, I have lost two friends they have lost a best friend, husband, brother and son and friend, no words can ever express that sort of loss. But we have the knowledge that they are in Heaven, and that is the one binding fact that joins all together. We know we will be with them again and they are in Glory.

Matt was my “Office Partner” we shared our days together, we did lunch, we talked and shared our thoughts and problems. I loved my days “Chewing the Fat” with Matt. We agreed on all the big things and argued over the fine points, much to our amusement. He often would end an argument by calling me Butt Ugly and Fatty and a whole lot worse and we would laugh our socks off. Matt was a true Man of God who loved Christ with a Passion and that passion burned in him to share his faith. Matt wanted to whole world to Know the Lord and he often talked about how he would love to travel and share. I did suggest India as we loved to have an Indian meal together. I have a very happy and wonderful memory of when Shelagh was away in Brazil and Matt and I meeting up for a beer and a Curry at Café Garden, Matt was a thoughtful friend and he knew I would be very lonely without Shelagh so insisted we go for a Curry and chat. In a way that sums up Matt, someone who would look after everyone else, who cared for people and loved his friends and would be there for them.
My heart is broken for Heidi, I just want and need to be there for her, Matt would want to do the same if this had happened to me, he would just be there. Al, is Matt's younger brother and Matt loved Al so much, we often talked of how proud Matt was of Al and how Matt could see the strength and wisdom in Alan growing and how Matt admired his Alan’s faith. That was a brotherly love I was so blessed to see.

Chris was my confident, I shared my inner thoughts with Chris, and I shared some very hard times with him, Chris never judged me, he cared and prayed, he offered advice and he gave me a shoulder to cry on. Chris had an amazing sense of humour and a laugh that would send a room into gales of laughter. He may have been short in height but he was one of the biggest Men of God I knew. Chris was a foodie like myself and Shelagh and we shared some wonderful meals together and the odd bottle or 6 of Red wine. I could put so many stories about Chris, he was accident prone and things just happened when Chris was about, he had a memory of a sieve and would forget just about anything and everything. Chris lived life at 90mph and would fit 25 hours of things into a day and that sort of sums some of Chris up a man on a mission so don't get in his way please.

My two friends, enjoy this time together, but please save me a large Magno, I’ll be along soon.

God Bless you, my two friends and men of Faith, you shared some time with me, I thank you for that, I am a better person and I believe a better Christian because of you.

The photo's are:-

Matt, myself and Chris sharing a joke and a beer

Matt doing his Freemason impression

Myself and Chris enjoying a joke

?Love and loss?

I am in Malta as I write this, it is two days since I heard the news that two of my best friends have been killed in a crash on the M6 motorway. I don't know what to say or do, I have been in a daze ever since. I am holding myself together, for the sake of everyone else on the holiday, two of Shelagh's friends, our friend Ian and Shelagh's brother and his partner.

All I know is my heart is in over a billion pieces, my brain is in a termoil and I feel like I have been hit by a tree.

I loved Matt and Chris like brothers, I respected them and shared some amazing times, I just need time and space to let this news sink in, I need to get back to the UK and see Heidi, Al, Steve and Viv. I need to go to my Church and just be there.

Warm Wet Seas

Tomorrow Mrs English Blogger and myself are popping over to Malta for a week to see Mrs EB's brother and his partner Julia. Whilst there we will be diving most days, above are 3 photo's I took during last year’s diving and 1 picture Mrs EB took. The first picture is of the three most common fish seen on a dive in Malta, the 2nd is a a Goby known as the Star Gazer and the 3rd is the Blue Hole on Gozo as seen from Below and the 4th is the Blue hole from above.

It was seeing the Blue Hole on Goze that gave me the bug for Diving, I just saw that amazing clear blueness and wanted to jump in. Well on Saturday I should be diving that again along with Amanda and David, two friends who are coming with us on Holiday and Ian my good friend, though he wont be diving the Blue Hole as it's an advanced dive and Ian has only done 1 try dive. We will be taking Ian in again and enjoying some shallow dives, and hopefully a night dive, a wreck dive or two and of course enjoying the food and beer.

We have been diving a few years now and it is a Hobby I really enjoy as does Mrs EB, I just wish we lived a little closer to the south med so we could go a little more often. I am a bit of a softy and will only dive in warm water, I do get asked to go to English dives but as I hate being cold and wet there is no chance I will go. Unless global warming takes effect PDQ and turns the English Channel and North Sea into 29c Med warm seas I can't see me Diving in it.

Food; One of life questions

A friend has questioned "Do I think of anything but food?" Thanks Heidi!!!

I am going to be honest, yes, but food is a very important part of mine and Mrs English Bloggers life. I think about all the usual things in like, God, friends, work but I do plan food. Some people "eat to live" we "live to eat." It works like this: We plan a holiday to say Florida, one of the first things Mrs EB will do is surf the net and find some amazing restaurants we will then plan our days out, say 1 day Theme Park, one day Shopping Mall etc we will also plan where we want to eat say Red Lobster, Texas to Brazil, Denny's for Breakfast that sort of thing.

Mrs EB and I really enjoy food, we love Curry, we love Steak, we really enjoy eating out. I was a chef in my early life and I enjoy cooking but not for myself, I love to cook and watch people enjoying the food. Food is one of life's pleasures it releases endorphins in the brain, flavours enhance memories, and savouring tastes and textures is one of the beauties of life. Food is a passion of mine, I love good food, and I have to be honest I hate bad food; Bad cooking!!! There is no excuse, it is all about time and blending. If you don't know how to fix an engine you go to someone who does or you get a Hain's Manual. If you don't know how to cook go out and eat or get a recipe book. I also hate it when people go "I won't eat that look at it urghhh" right have you tried it? NO!!
MMM try it, you may just like it, if you don’t like it after you have tried it no harm is done, go get something else. Mrs EB is excellent on trying new things, and now she loves so many new food's she never imagined before we married.

Food is more than just putting energy in the engine and sustaining life. Food is about life itself, it's memories, experiences and above all shared company and love. So Heidi, to answer you, No, not really my life is based around food, does it show?

Steve Irwin dies.

Today one of my hero's died, he died doing what he did best, working on the conservation of wild animals. Steve had a passion 2nd to none, he was such a infectious man. I just loved his way and his manner. I have shed a few tears today, I feel for Terri, Bindi Sue and Bob his family.

Steve was speared by a Stingray, The Stingray, known as a very gentle fish, it is ironic that the man who swam with Salt Water Crocodiles and held Brown Snakes played with Funnelweb spiders is killed by a gentle fish. I have swum with a large school of stingrays in Grand Cayman and was amazed by the experience ,I know Steve would have been careful and it was just a tragic accident.

God Bless Steve, your family are in my Prayers, I know God will look after you, because you looked after his planet and cared for and saved so many for his beautiful animals.

The Weekend ends here

I had an OK weekend, we did the odd bits and Bobs: shopping for our Malta trip on Thursday; We took Mrs English Blogger's mother out for Breakfast to Frank and Benny's in Glouster, mmmmmmbig breakfasts. I put a new bit of software on Mrs EB's laptop, so she can now have all of her Dives from her Dive Computer on her PC.

We then had a massive Indian Takeaway and watched a documentary on 9/11 filmed by a French cameraman who was actually making a documentary about a rookie fireman at the time. Wow I was really upset watching it all again. I just couldn’t believe the courage and determination of these fire fighters, all they wanted to do was be at Ground Zero and do what they could to get people out. They worked 24 hour shifts then they where supposed to take 24 hours off, but these guys would grab a bit of sleep and just head back.

I honestly wept so much during this programme; the awfulness and helplessness of the situation; as one fireman put it “When a 110 story building comes crashing down, and not a desk, PC or Telephone can be found, what chance is there we will find any whole body?” Another fireman said “We dig then if we are really lucky we find a body, then we get told to clear the site because of collapses, you can never find that body again” It must have been so hard for those brave men. I just wonder what the after affects will be? Seeing all that tragedy, breathing all that toxic smoke?

I do Pray that God will be kind and gracious to those Brave people who looked after Ground Zero from 9/11.

Sunday was a fantastic day at Church, our minister is back after a few weeks away on his hols. (well deserved) It was a sort of renewal Sunday, and he spoke so well on it and how important Prayer is if we want to move forward. He did make the odd gaff, which did make me laugh, but I honestly love that in our minister, he is human, he does make a mistake, and he is a true man of God, and I love him for that. I have learned so much from him over the years, and he has been there for me during some very tough times in my life. I am so looking forward to hearing what he has to say in the next term, shame I won't be there on Sunday.

Friday - Weekend here we come

The beauty of being my own is boss is I can take as long as I want on a job, I am doing a little work for London Creative, which is really nice. I made a commercial yesterday, and today it came back for a few tweaks, none of them took long and poor Matt at LC was pulling his hair out the woman who was clearing the ad kept asking for a word here to be moved and slight infection change there. Now I could have done that no problem with a re-record, but that wasn't in the budget. So I had to play in Pro Tools and try my best, anyhoooo at the end of the day they are happy, LC are happy so I am happy.

Not much else has happened, I have a bloody migraine appear this afternoon so I am feeling pants. Hopefully I will feel better in the morning and ok for a beer in The Vesey, hence the photo enjoying a pint on a Sunday evening after church.