Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Time to to say how I feel

I have been trying for a few days now to write how I feel about the past 10 days or so. I know that is sort of therapeutic to write down my feelings and cathartic as well. I guess that not too many people read my blog so it won’t change the world and those that read it know me anyway and I guess they will know how I feel as they will probably feel pretty much the same as well.
Anyhooo here goes:-

I have to be honest and say in some ways it just doesn’t feel real, and in other ways it feels far too real. To actually feel the grief of losing two close friends is far too much to stand most of the time, so my brain sort of says “It’s ok all this didn’t really happen” then I get a wave of feeling fine. Then I remember something Matt/Chris may have said to me and I then feel, well awful again so my brain throws in a daft thing Matt/Chris said or did, I feel sad but OK…you get the picture? It hasn’t hit home yet I guess and that’s the way I feel. Up one second, down the next then sort of OK.

I have had a true epiphany come out of this tragedy, and that is I have actually seen how grief can be used to show love and be a witness for God. Matt’s family have opened my eyes to see how this can happen; in what must be the worst time of their lives they have opened up their house and hearts so that they are sharing this time with others who knew and loved Matt and Chris.
I have had the privilege of going around to their house on a few occasions and all I have ever been shown is love and warmth. I want to go round and comfort Heidi, Steve, Viv and Alan and I end up being comforted? It doesn’t seem quite fair really does it? You walk through the front door and God is in their house big time. You can sense and feel God there and at work and it is just awesome.
My heart and Prayers are for the Sellers Family as they are with Chris’s family and friends especially Lois and Carol. I have a big open heart for Heidi though, God has put her on my Burden list at number 1 and I cannot and will not argue with that, I cannot understand the loss that Heidi has had, and I know that for me to understand that sort of loss I would need to have it. I pray I never do. I just know that until I am not needed anymore I will do my best to be there for Heidi as long I don’t get in her way or annoy her too much…