Thursday, November 09, 2006

I have been giving my whole spiritual life a great deal of thought over the last 7+ weeks, well my faith has been rocked and I want to know why? I have never doubted Jesus or God, so why I do feel just so useless and incapable of understanding God and my Bible?

Anyhoo this has got me to thinking seriously about Heaven will I go to Heaven? just what is heaven, is it fluffy clouds and people sitting on them playing harps…I hope not as Chris and Matt would deafen everyone up there…is heaven up there? If not where is it?

A few/quite a few years ago I was at a seminar on Revelation’s where the speaker, I can’t remember his name now, said that Heaven would be here on earth when everything was completed and the final battle had taken place? I don’t know, that was his interpretation on Revelation? My interpretation is, God has already made Heaven, and it is waiting for us, everyone will wake up and be given new bodies on judgement day and we the faithful will be called to Glory, or do we go the moment we are taken from this life? Time is only a concept that we have put on things? God does things in his own time so I don’t know? There will be no suffering only love and worship in Heaven, we will be with our God and loved ones and know them and share that eternal time with them we will meet those that went before us and those that will come after us. I could be completely wrong, I guess there is only way we will know, and by then we won’t care, as we will hopefully with God’s grace be in Heaven or will I?...

It seems kind of daft writing this. It is just bugging me, I have been woken quite a few times by the question what is after this life, are we here then not is heaven real if it is will I go? I guess Satan is trying to undermine my faith and writing it down is helping to confirm my belief in God and strengthening it. Seeing/feeling my life rocked like this, and finding worship virtually impossible at the moment is scary. I have been a Christian for 20 years now, and up until this point I have never questioned the basics, I have taken those for granted. I still do I guess, Christ Lived, Christ Died and Christ rose again. But I have so many questions, but I just don’t know what they all are, or who to ask? I don’t want to seem like an idiot with basic questions on my faith having been a Christian for so many years. I know the basic answers it’s the deep theological answers I am after I think? I think I need to speak to someone I respect as a Christian, but then I don’t want to come across as a complete idiot?

I spoke to a friend who is a adamant Calvinist and I just thought, no that is so wrong! What’s the point of evangelism if you are a Calvinist? He said because you have to tell everyone but only those who are already saved will be saved? So I said if they are already saved they don’t need saving? I really do get myself in a state sometimes. I just can’t believe in pre-destination, more so since the accident.

I am quiet confused as this suggests. I know some answers but I am still confused with things like, I am saved, it says so in the Bible, so if I am saved and I know I am saved, why then am I not certain I am going to Heaven? Because it also says I must lead a good life and do things like be evangelical and Christ like, which makes Heaven conditional? I am just a ordinary bloke who falls every day. I don’t burn with a passion to tell everybody about Christ, I don’t help everyone who needs help who I see, in fact I even avoid some people. I am selfish and materialistic, I like the nice things in life I even enjoy occasionally getting drunk and I love eating even over eating.(that last one’s a real shocker)

I am not expecting answers here, it is just cathartic to write down my thoughts and feelings. I know the answers to my questions will come when I ask the right person/people. I just need to be prayerful to find who the right person is.